A night to remember

11:30 p.m.

Gluttony subsided to stomach ache and was followed by misery. Hadn't felt that alone in a long long time. Empty rooms, no electricity, ground floor filled with octogenarians- Life ! Facebook seems like an outlet for pretense, whatsapp a communication hazard-there's no smiley made yet to describe my mounting headache.

12:00 a.m

Desperately searching for a left-over cigarette on the desk. Furious at the lack of sleep, companion and hope, I decided to fish for tobacco filled stubs in the ashtray(basically a jar of empty Foxs') with the torchlight on my cell- bless Nokia. Fuck - success had never loved me back.

Dunno when

Sleep !

3:30 a.m.

Bam ! Woke up with a start-staring into the blind darkness. And then, it hit. The pain. Searing pain on the lower left side of my jaw. Who's there? Night ! Logic starts to set in-where's my left hand? O it's right there where I remember putting it last-inside my pants. Where's the right one?-under my head. Shit. Where's the light switch? Alright, alright, alright - relax. No-one's here-quiet like the dead. Must've been a dream, a bad dream but the pain was real, scarily real. My reflection looks OK in the mirror, no sense of activity in the room. The headache's returning-fuck it, sleep for now.

3:40 a.m.

Slap ! What the bloody fuck ! Now I'm pissed-if there's a ghost here, he'll be fucked tonight. Lights on. I'm skipping across the room like a boxer looking to maul his opponent. Nothing. Fury makes way for fear. It's still the left side of the face and the pain only added to the fear. Am I shivering? may be- I don't know- and I thought reasoning was my strength ! It's 3.40 a.m , the house is empty, a dog is crying somewhere-someone shut that stray fucker's whining. A story comes into mind- a story from long long ago- some priest was talking about things, interesting but illogical things, about a world above and a world below. It was a long one but only one small fragment lingers. The other side enters our realm between 3 and 4 am. Man ! savage beliefs, better wash my face-it still hurts. Water feels good. It's all calm- you can be worried for only a limited time- you gotta be realistic about these things ! Lie down, watch the ceiling, remember the song-any song-leave the lights on.

Dunno when

Deep sleep !

9:30 a.m

WAKE UP DAMMIT ! late for office-yet again. Jaw still paining- I've been hit before so I know the feeling. It's going to be alright in about 2 days but it was a clean punch-exactly the way I'd hit a foe. No time to mull over it-will feel better at work-and then there's Sarika-O Sarika ! What a fantastic conversation this incident is going to make - me = such a fucking lowlife. 

3:00 p.m

Everyone's laughing at my story-some with me, others on me-all in all a good time. Never knew I could tell a funny story(I didn't intend it to be funny though), never knew I had it in me. Sarika seems impressed- oh yeah ! Get's me a bonus one to one talk with her- eternal bliss ! Should I ask her out? Maybe I should. No, bad idea. But why not ? Because I'm a dork. So what? Everyone I see her with is very much the same. Ok. Ok. O fucking K. Let's do it.

Me: Hi!(Wow-managed to string a word together)

She: Hey!(Sweet voice of god).

Me: I wanted to uh.. (Fuck you illiterate cocksucker-may the lightning strike on the English teacher who taught us to think before speaking)

She: Yea sure. whatsup? (mmmmmmmm)

Me:(Fighting the urge to say dick - fuck those nonsensical childhood jokes - nostalgia - wish I was cool at school) Umm.. Umm..(MOTHERFUCKER - Period.)

She: Ha ha ha. Are you trying to enact another funny story(Loss.. Total loss).

Me: (Gotham has fallen - Batman is for losers who are born to be single) Oh ha ha(bla bla). Just checking..umm. did you complete the task(whatever the fuck) we discussed in today's scrum ?

She: bla bla bla (fuck me fuck her-fuck this eternal sense of useless being)

Me: OK (There's a window nearby- would it hurt if I'd take a leap?)

6:00 p.m

Table Tennis- fuck the Chinese. I was never good at it. Got beat up real bad- yet again. Chicken ham sandwich- sweet gluttony- yeeeeaaahhhh.

8:00 p.m

3 carlsberg please. Strong. Cans. Overpriced alcohol- fuck the government- useless democracy- The president should beg me to become King- as I must've been in the past life. Maybe I was Alexander- nah sounds gay, maybe Barbarossa- nah, fucker died swimming, maybe Richard the Lionhearted- hmmmmm.

11:00 p.m

Heaven !

11:30 p.m

Where's the fucking cigarette ? Why me? Why o why me?

12:00 a.m

Whatsapp- ha ha.. bla bla.. ha ha.. son of a cock-starved bitch !

1:30 a.m

I am GOD ! Oh yeah. Fuck you lower beings- bow before me. I am GOD ! of age of empires(emptiness)

2:00 a.m

Obladiii.. Obladaa.. life goes on.. La la la la. Life goes on(I must've been a beatle in past life- True that !)

2:15 a.m

AKON- lonely

2:25 a.m

ENRIQUE(The cheapskate in me took over- I love addicted- I know I do- you know YOU do- fuck. Even I know that you do.)

Dunno when

SOUND sleep

3:15 a.m

SLAP. Holy indonesian kitten shit ! Fuck the lights, fuck the room, fuck the house, fuck the slippers, fuck life to eternity. I jump down the flight of stairs-4 at a time. I'm on the outside- it's all quiet-all dark-where's that whining dog now when I need his company? I can see my floor. No lights- all dark- cold sweat. I need to tell some. Let me call a friend. Where's the cell? It's in the room where I left it in my mad running frenzy. Something's wrong. The left side hurts- It was a slap, a hard slap, 4 fingers- meant to hurt. Logic knocking on brain doors-do my hands sting from hitting something? Nope- all good. Just cold sweat. The room was locked. The main door- locked. Door chain-was in place. Fuck !

3:30 a.m

What to do? Shall I wake the oldies ? No, they might kill me. Or worse, throw me out. I need my cell(fucking technology-blocked all thinking).

3:40 a.m

I'm back at my door. Lights on(Bless the electrician for keeping the switch close to the doors). Nothing. Who's here? Nothing. What do you want?(probably my head or worse..)As if someone's going to answer. Ha ha. Didn't I watch any horror movies? Here's the cell. Okay, whom should I call? 

4:00 a.m

I should call dad. He'll know what to do. So, calling.

4:02 a.m

You worthless piece of shit ! All money spent on education-wasted. The prodigal son- a fucking coward- scared of being alone in a house. No calling. Anyone. No, no, no. The story comes back. At 4:00 a.m the other side is blocked. Okay. But what if some entered and couldn't get out(of this world)? What if some managed to stay? OK, I got it. If I fall asleep, I wont last the night.

Dunno when

Snoring. 

Me: Who's there

? : You are

Me: I heard something. May be someone was snoring

? : You were bitch !

Me: O yeah !

4:30 a.m

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED ? Somebody was talking. I was. I know I was. But I heard a voice. It was a dream. Was it? Deep in thought.

4:31 a.m

SMACK.

....

....

....

Soon

I am screaming. I am screaming like a little bitch surrounded by big wolves. I am screaming with my voice as shrill as an Celine Dion. I don't know what to do. Loss of propriety, sanity, sense, hope !

11:00 a.m

Where am I? Looks like a hospital. Shit. I cant see my legs. Okay, they're under the covers. The hands look alright. Soon, I'm told what happened. I was brought in by the landlord after I fainted-after I screamed like a bitch- after I lost my sanity. I say I don't remember what happened-maybe it was a nightmare- What? Tell them everything and be declared insane-sent to mental asylum-or worse, to a psychiatrist-or worse, call my parents-or worse, report in office. 

5:00 p.m

I'm en route to home. I don't want to talk about it.

11:30 p.m

I'm home. Parents seem happy. What will they think when they hear that I came running back scared of something I can't understand, something did something I ain't sure that ever happened. No choice. Got to spill the beans.

Later

Nothing of much interest. Some rituals. Some unintelligible advices. Some ring, some thread, some bag to keep under the pillow and on and on and on.

In general

It still happens once in a while-ALWAYS between 3 and 4 a.m . It ain't scary anymore- in fact it's somewhat reassuring- may be it doesn't let me feel alone- think I'll give the fucking thing a name- maybe 'Pantoufle', maybe 'Yossarion', in fact maybe 'Shantaram'- you've gotta be realistic about these things.

Pieces

Pieces.

I’ve always had a lot of friends. They like me, at least I think I do, at least some of them do.

It’s not easy. Keeping up with me that is. I can be incredibly moody and outstandingly selfless at the same time. I can block you for days at a time and come back one fine evening as if nothing had gone wrong. I like to think I’m free spirited. I like to think I make people around me think that they’re happy to be around me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not Naruto. I’m just a regular person who went to an average college and settled with an ordinary job. Except a few cool hobbies, all I’ve picked from my very regular life is the company of people I’ve kept or rather the company of people who’ve kept me. I was never too shy, never too outgoing but there was something I knew about myself. I never felt weird!

I had friends, I had ex-friends, I had no girlfriend, I had an ex-girlfriend and I’ve always had a few girls as friends. So you get the idea that chatting up with the same sex while binge drinking all the time was not my thing. I’ve always believed in a healthy friend circle(it never really lasts long but while it is, it seems to be good, at least I feel it’s good).

So I met Tammy at work. Tammy was the not-so-tall, not-so-slim, not-so-shy, not-so-hot, not-so-girly version of every guy’s dreamgirl. If I had to describe her in one word, it would be bubbly. We talked and then we talked again and before we knew it we talked all the time. Before we knew it, Tammy was close to my best friend’s spot-yes it’s a special place I keep reserved for an awesome being with superhuman characteristics. I also sometimes rate my friends. Call me shallow, but look who’s talking!

I would have fallen for Tammy. Many guys around had surely already fallen for her. She wasn’t the sweetest, hottest or prettiest girl anyone had ever met. But, her presence gave you comfort. She could laugh at almost anything and when she did, you’d forget all your troubles. Soon, she started to seem prettier and nearing perfection. A feeling like that generally rises and from past experiences I’ve learnt that you start talking with such a person more carefully, weighing your words and trying to find the exact words that would sound perfect in her ears. I thought I’d go there but somehow the feeling stopped at one point.

There was a problem. Did I mention my hobby which I also believe to be a god-gift? If yes, then please forgive the repetitiveness but I’m sure you’d love to hear it again. The gift of observance. I know you think I’m being cocky and that everyone has/can have that. But, no.

Our mind thinks what we want it to think, we listen to what we want to listen and we only see what we want to see. Rest of the things are left by our mind to run their own course.

So, I observe people. I can usually tell how they are with other people without actually invading into their private lives. This may be a self-defense mechanism my brain managed to apply when I got fooled to trust blindly-in school. But that’s another story.

At this point, I must mention why I’m going with whatever I’m going ahead.

So, Tammy seemed to like me. She always seemed to be happy to hang out with me, go to the movies, eager to push me into her friend circle and always seemed ready to talk. Having unique qualities as she did topped with a very selfless and caring nature, she deserved the love of anyone who knew her. But, as I summed her up in one word, she was bubbly.

I soon observed that Tammy’s seemingly affection towards me was not actually it. It was her second nature to be friendly, caring, jovial, cheerful and happy. She was the same with every one of her good male friends.

Now do not take this in the wrong way. She was, is and forever will be the nicest person I know. She was very casual about her talks and mostly her day to day activities. She saw people who were close to her as close friends. She would share things about her and be a good listener. You’ve all met a version of Tammy in your lives. If you think you haven’t, think again.

So, that was it. I somehow managed to see that glitch and my increasingly intelligent brain put a barricade over my unknowingly stupid heart.

Tammy and I became chums in 6 months. We were inseparable. She could drink like me, dance wildly with me, go to unplanned trips with me, be always ready to watch the stupidest movies with me. Everything was good. My best friend’s position was well taken and it was taken by someone who really deserved it and someone who I now really adored.

Now I don’t know how many of you fully understand the bubbly nature of a human being. The bubbliness is attractive, it is soothing, it gives everyone hope. But, the bubbliness in a person makes a person hungry for new experiences. And before you know it, someone new claims their attention. With that perception, a person like Tammy can hurt you in ways you can’t think of.

So there was this new guy in her team. They had to work together and while working as what happens with most of us young single professionals, they became good friends. Now, most of Tammy’s friends had become buddies of mine. I never felt anything when Tammy was hanging out with them and not with me. A couple of them even turned out to be my drinking buddies. But, not this guy. He was, how do describe it? He was lame. I know I’m being shallow and somewhat hurt by the concept of sharing Tammy’s attention with him. I know I’m being jealous. But that’s the stuff guys are made up of. People think girls are choosy in who they prefer being friends with, boys think girls have biased opinions, even girls think girls have biased opinions but boys are the most prejudiced breed of humans ever made. We can like or dislike a fellow being for no reason what-so-ever.

Why didn’t I like this guy? I don’t really know. Maybe I didn’t like his face, maybe I didn’t like his casual approach to people. Whatever! I disliked him. And Tammy seemed to like him- in my mind she had really started to really like him.

She started hanging out with him post office hours and even sometimes when I would call her for some weekend new exploration getaways, she’d apologize as she already had plans. Plans? I thought Tammy and I shared all our plans.

So, like so many of us who have been hurt by a girl who wasn’t even their girl, I started distancing myself from Tammy. The talks reduced, morning hellos were frequently skipped, late night chats were few. I started to give out an impression of ignoring her. My friends caught that, her friends caught that and so now I’m sure she might have gotten a hint of that.

Two months later, Tammy was officially going out with that guy. She invited me to their dinners frequently and I was falling short of  excuses.  I wasn’t taking her calls anymore. Sometimes we would run into each other in corridors and the exchange of words that I would now call it, was extremely uncomfortable.

One afternoon - I clearly remember this one for some reason unknown, I was busily working on a document and furiously typing my review comments when Tammy walked by my desk like she usually did and stopped to say “Hi!”. I was very much involved in my work and furious/hurt/frustrated that I was for whatever reason that day,I said “Yes, What?”- may have even angrily shouted it.That did it. It broke something. I observed something in her eyes something I would never want to see in anyone I remotely care about. I saw in her turquoise eyes something shatter. And I felt it - instant grief at having hurt someone who had been all but good to me. The next moment I saw a hint of a tear. Did I mention that Tammy was intensely(I mean it) and emotionally strong? She started to walk away when reason took over me and I quickly said “Hey! I’m sorry. what’s up?” but I knew it before I said it - I had lost a friend.

Whatever hateful/hurtful/jealousy-filled grudge I was holding against Tammy/her boyfriend/my ex-girlfriend/ people in general had somehow managed to distance me from her so much that I had managed to emotionally break my best friend in the worst possible ways. I had shown selfless respect,love and care for her once and now slowly but steadily, taken it all away.

I realized my mistakes-so many of them, and I sought to correct them but the vital truth that surfaces in such a situation is that a rediscovered person is never the same he was before. Everyone realizes that. I tried to make things right, apologized numerous times, seeked forgiveness for my stupidity and I think I achieved that but things were not so easy with Tammy anymore. I had managed to create an unbreakable wall. Even when we would sit on the highest cliff-top beside the farthest corner of the sea, the conversations I shared with Tammy lacked all eagerness. Maybe I was desperate to get back her attention and it wasn’t that she wasn’t trying. She sometimes went out of her ways to hang out with me, she would make up stupid stories from her past, narrate her present ongoings, talk about this and that but it didn’t really make sense.

Tammy moved on. She went back to her hometown. The parting was awkward. We promised each other we’d always stay in touch but our experiences have taught us that usually never happens. We said our goodbyes and shook hands and she started walking away. I couldn’t resist. I had to hug her one last time before we meet again - of which I was extremely uncertain. So I ran to her imagining it to turn out into a cliched movie moment. But, it wasn’t. She turned. I saw tears. Maybe I had tears. I gave her a hug yes, a long one probably but I was too numb to feel anything. Then I walked away.

Two years have passed since I’ve heard from Tammy. Not that I’ve tried to stay in touch. Looking back I now know when it all went wrong with us. It was that afternoon. It was me who did it. The moment was not created out of sudden frustration but was actually the climax of a prolonged explosion churning inside me. Why did I become so hateful? I’ve always been a very practical person but still I could not control these alien feelings. Did she hurt me by just being herself?

Sometimes when I remember her, I feel broken as one would feel after a breakup. Why do I feel that? I know she felt the same at that parting moment.

We weren’t even in love. Or were we ?