Pieces

Pieces.

I’ve always had a lot of friends. They like me, at least I think I do, at least some of them do.

It’s not easy. Keeping up with me that is. I can be incredibly moody and outstandingly selfless at the same time. I can block you for days at a time and come back one fine evening as if nothing had gone wrong. I like to think I’m free spirited. I like to think I make people around me think that they’re happy to be around me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not Naruto. I’m just a regular person who went to an average college and settled with an ordinary job. Except a few cool hobbies, all I’ve picked from my very regular life is the company of people I’ve kept or rather the company of people who’ve kept me. I was never too shy, never too outgoing but there was something I knew about myself. I never felt weird!

I had friends, I had ex-friends, I had no girlfriend, I had an ex-girlfriend and I’ve always had a few girls as friends. So you get the idea that chatting up with the same sex while binge drinking all the time was not my thing. I’ve always believed in a healthy friend circle(it never really lasts long but while it is, it seems to be good, at least I feel it’s good).

So I met Tammy at work. Tammy was the not-so-tall, not-so-slim, not-so-shy, not-so-hot, not-so-girly version of every guy’s dreamgirl. If I had to describe her in one word, it would be bubbly. We talked and then we talked again and before we knew it we talked all the time. Before we knew it, Tammy was close to my best friend’s spot-yes it’s a special place I keep reserved for an awesome being with superhuman characteristics. I also sometimes rate my friends. Call me shallow, but look who’s talking!

I would have fallen for Tammy. Many guys around had surely already fallen for her. She wasn’t the sweetest, hottest or prettiest girl anyone had ever met. But, her presence gave you comfort. She could laugh at almost anything and when she did, you’d forget all your troubles. Soon, she started to seem prettier and nearing perfection. A feeling like that generally rises and from past experiences I’ve learnt that you start talking with such a person more carefully, weighing your words and trying to find the exact words that would sound perfect in her ears. I thought I’d go there but somehow the feeling stopped at one point.

There was a problem. Did I mention my hobby which I also believe to be a god-gift? If yes, then please forgive the repetitiveness but I’m sure you’d love to hear it again. The gift of observance. I know you think I’m being cocky and that everyone has/can have that. But, no.

Our mind thinks what we want it to think, we listen to what we want to listen and we only see what we want to see. Rest of the things are left by our mind to run their own course.

So, I observe people. I can usually tell how they are with other people without actually invading into their private lives. This may be a self-defense mechanism my brain managed to apply when I got fooled to trust blindly-in school. But that’s another story.

At this point, I must mention why I’m going with whatever I’m going ahead.

So, Tammy seemed to like me. She always seemed to be happy to hang out with me, go to the movies, eager to push me into her friend circle and always seemed ready to talk. Having unique qualities as she did topped with a very selfless and caring nature, she deserved the love of anyone who knew her. But, as I summed her up in one word, she was bubbly.

I soon observed that Tammy’s seemingly affection towards me was not actually it. It was her second nature to be friendly, caring, jovial, cheerful and happy. She was the same with every one of her good male friends.

Now do not take this in the wrong way. She was, is and forever will be the nicest person I know. She was very casual about her talks and mostly her day to day activities. She saw people who were close to her as close friends. She would share things about her and be a good listener. You’ve all met a version of Tammy in your lives. If you think you haven’t, think again.

So, that was it. I somehow managed to see that glitch and my increasingly intelligent brain put a barricade over my unknowingly stupid heart.

Tammy and I became chums in 6 months. We were inseparable. She could drink like me, dance wildly with me, go to unplanned trips with me, be always ready to watch the stupidest movies with me. Everything was good. My best friend’s position was well taken and it was taken by someone who really deserved it and someone who I now really adored.

Now I don’t know how many of you fully understand the bubbly nature of a human being. The bubbliness is attractive, it is soothing, it gives everyone hope. But, the bubbliness in a person makes a person hungry for new experiences. And before you know it, someone new claims their attention. With that perception, a person like Tammy can hurt you in ways you can’t think of.

So there was this new guy in her team. They had to work together and while working as what happens with most of us young single professionals, they became good friends. Now, most of Tammy’s friends had become buddies of mine. I never felt anything when Tammy was hanging out with them and not with me. A couple of them even turned out to be my drinking buddies. But, not this guy. He was, how do describe it? He was lame. I know I’m being shallow and somewhat hurt by the concept of sharing Tammy’s attention with him. I know I’m being jealous. But that’s the stuff guys are made up of. People think girls are choosy in who they prefer being friends with, boys think girls have biased opinions, even girls think girls have biased opinions but boys are the most prejudiced breed of humans ever made. We can like or dislike a fellow being for no reason what-so-ever.

Why didn’t I like this guy? I don’t really know. Maybe I didn’t like his face, maybe I didn’t like his casual approach to people. Whatever! I disliked him. And Tammy seemed to like him- in my mind she had really started to really like him.

She started hanging out with him post office hours and even sometimes when I would call her for some weekend new exploration getaways, she’d apologize as she already had plans. Plans? I thought Tammy and I shared all our plans.

So, like so many of us who have been hurt by a girl who wasn’t even their girl, I started distancing myself from Tammy. The talks reduced, morning hellos were frequently skipped, late night chats were few. I started to give out an impression of ignoring her. My friends caught that, her friends caught that and so now I’m sure she might have gotten a hint of that.

Two months later, Tammy was officially going out with that guy. She invited me to their dinners frequently and I was falling short of  excuses.  I wasn’t taking her calls anymore. Sometimes we would run into each other in corridors and the exchange of words that I would now call it, was extremely uncomfortable.

One afternoon - I clearly remember this one for some reason unknown, I was busily working on a document and furiously typing my review comments when Tammy walked by my desk like she usually did and stopped to say “Hi!”. I was very much involved in my work and furious/hurt/frustrated that I was for whatever reason that day,I said “Yes, What?”- may have even angrily shouted it.That did it. It broke something. I observed something in her eyes something I would never want to see in anyone I remotely care about. I saw in her turquoise eyes something shatter. And I felt it - instant grief at having hurt someone who had been all but good to me. The next moment I saw a hint of a tear. Did I mention that Tammy was intensely(I mean it) and emotionally strong? She started to walk away when reason took over me and I quickly said “Hey! I’m sorry. what’s up?” but I knew it before I said it - I had lost a friend.

Whatever hateful/hurtful/jealousy-filled grudge I was holding against Tammy/her boyfriend/my ex-girlfriend/ people in general had somehow managed to distance me from her so much that I had managed to emotionally break my best friend in the worst possible ways. I had shown selfless respect,love and care for her once and now slowly but steadily, taken it all away.

I realized my mistakes-so many of them, and I sought to correct them but the vital truth that surfaces in such a situation is that a rediscovered person is never the same he was before. Everyone realizes that. I tried to make things right, apologized numerous times, seeked forgiveness for my stupidity and I think I achieved that but things were not so easy with Tammy anymore. I had managed to create an unbreakable wall. Even when we would sit on the highest cliff-top beside the farthest corner of the sea, the conversations I shared with Tammy lacked all eagerness. Maybe I was desperate to get back her attention and it wasn’t that she wasn’t trying. She sometimes went out of her ways to hang out with me, she would make up stupid stories from her past, narrate her present ongoings, talk about this and that but it didn’t really make sense.

Tammy moved on. She went back to her hometown. The parting was awkward. We promised each other we’d always stay in touch but our experiences have taught us that usually never happens. We said our goodbyes and shook hands and she started walking away. I couldn’t resist. I had to hug her one last time before we meet again - of which I was extremely uncertain. So I ran to her imagining it to turn out into a cliched movie moment. But, it wasn’t. She turned. I saw tears. Maybe I had tears. I gave her a hug yes, a long one probably but I was too numb to feel anything. Then I walked away.

Two years have passed since I’ve heard from Tammy. Not that I’ve tried to stay in touch. Looking back I now know when it all went wrong with us. It was that afternoon. It was me who did it. The moment was not created out of sudden frustration but was actually the climax of a prolonged explosion churning inside me. Why did I become so hateful? I’ve always been a very practical person but still I could not control these alien feelings. Did she hurt me by just being herself?

Sometimes when I remember her, I feel broken as one would feel after a breakup. Why do I feel that? I know she felt the same at that parting moment.

We weren’t even in love. Or were we ?